Dear Domestic Violence, This is Why I Recognize You From a Mile Away
My life is forever changed due to domestic violence. I lost my mother and one of my little sisters because of it. Now I worry about the day my daughter becomes inquisitive about her grandmother and/or aunt. What will I say? How will I say it? What will I tell her about the signs of domestic abuse?
Honestly, I’m not entirely sure. However, I will try to help my daughter recognize some of the red flags. Although the signs of domestic abuse are unique, there are red flags that will always let you know something isn’t right.
Here are some red flags that may help you recognize signs of domestic violence way before it occurs.
Supporting Abusive Behavior.
What a person supports sheds light on their character. When you are getting to know someone, pay attention to how they react to abusive behavior.
For instance, if you all witness someone else being harmed by their partner, and your partner remarks “she probably deserved that”. That’s a red flag.
No one deserves to be abused. You should be very cautious of someone who thinks that abuse is subjective. If your partner can justify someone else being abused by their significant other, they might be able to justify a reason to do the same thing to you in the future.
Be careful around people who support toxic behaviors. It’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship with this kind of person.
Checking Your Tolerance.
If someone dares to support anything abusive in your presence, that’s a red flag also. This is a subtle way of trying to see if you think the same way about abusive behavior.
They may be checking to see if you say something such as “yeah, I think she did deserve that”. A remark like that could give an abuser justification for abusing you in the future. Abusive perpetrators love to play mind games. They may try to manipulate you into believing that you deserve certain treatment based on something toxic that you justified.
If your partner supports toxic behavior in your presence, be sure to let them know immediately that you do not tolerate abuse. Period. Also, let them know that you are offended by their support of toxic behavior.
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda Scenarios.
If your partner tells “shoulda, woulda, coulda” stories about abuse, that’s a red flag.
“Oh, I shoulda smacked him/her for doing that.” “I woulda broke his/her phone too.” “I coulda stopped him/her from going if I wanted to.”
Whatever the story is if it involves your partner putting themselves in the story as the abuser, be careful. Telling “shoulda, woulda, coulda” stories about abuse is similar to checking to see what you will tolerate.
Once again, make it known immediately that you do not support abuse. You should be skeptical of anyone that inserts themselves as the imaginary abuser in toxic stories.
How they treat others.
How people treat others is a reflection of how they might treat you. If you witness someone physically, mentally and/or verbally abusing anyone, that’s a red flag.
Do not let people who inflict pain on others convince you that you are different. They may try to tell you that they will never abuse you. The truth is, you might need to know them a little longer before they show you their true colors.
Your ego may tell you that you are different from the person experiencing abuse. Your ego might even tell you that you will act in a way that never makes that person show you that side of them. Think again. Do not base someone else’s behavior on your capabilities. That’s fuel to a domestic abuser.
Never give toxic people the impression that your actions will determine if they treat you well.
That’s the perfect gateway for someone to treat you like trash. Perpetrators love to manipulate you by making you believe that your actions influenced their behavior.
Separate your ego from the situation. The way people treat others is a reflection of themselves, not you or anyone else.
Play Hits.
Relationships are full of play fights. Play fights such as pillow fights could be a fun way to bond. However, proceed with caution if the play doesn’t seem endearing. It could be a red flag.
It’s a red flag if you mention to your partner that they are hurting you and they continue. Even if they try to cover up hitting you as a joke, that’s also a red flag.
Although people are not mind-readers, they should have no problem understanding how you feel after you communicate your discomfort. If your partner persists after being told about their behavior, you need to distance yourself from them.
Play disrespect.
Trash talk could be another bonding activity in some relationships. Making fun of your partner’s sports team/hometown could be funny and harmless. However, some words are hurtful and certain trash talk isn’t harmless. If you find that your partner is taking playful trash talk too far, this could be a red flag.
Calling you names, belittling your efforts, or even joking about the people that you love are red flags. There is a point where play disrespect cuts deeper than jokes. Although it’s up to you to determine what is playful, be aware of any jokes that cross the disrespect line. Anything that hurts you is not a joke, no matter the intention behind it.
Ultimately, what you experience in your relationship is unique. The way you interact with your partner will help you understand who they are. However, no matter how well you think you know a person, watch out for red flags. Supporting abuse is unacceptable. If your partner tries to see if you will tolerate toxic behavior, make it clear that you do not. Nor should you tolerate “shoulda, woulda, coulda” stories about abuse. Pay attention to how well your partner treats others. If your partner thinks it’s ok to play in a way that disrespects you physically or verbally, stop them immediately. Even if you encounter unique signs from your partner, stay alert for any red flags.
These are great tips. Too often, we are told that we are being “too sensitive” about these behaviors, but better safe than sorry.
Very true. The red flags of domestic violence can be subtle. Sometimes, red flags are the feelings we get. There is no such thing as “too sensitive” when you sense something is off. Thanks for your comment.